ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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