apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
