i just wanna soil my oats bro
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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