Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
