Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
