I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
