Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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