Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
