You made me cry and you don't even care
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
