Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
