my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
