So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
