I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
