Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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