she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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