Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
