Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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