You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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