So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
