I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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