..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
