She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize