This dress was meant to end up on your floor
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
