That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
