you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
