The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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