My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
