I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
