I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
