Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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