Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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