Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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