Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
