Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
