I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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