I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
