just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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