he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
