I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They took my balls.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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