I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
