i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
