I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
