i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
