Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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