it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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