She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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