If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
