dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my liver is dry heaving
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
