we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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