Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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