i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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