Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
