come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
