we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
