i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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