We named our party play list daddy issues
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize