I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize