i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
